So its been a dry old autumn from me. Yet again it seems I have fallen off the blogging bandwagon....

So what's been occurring?

The youngest small has started school!!! I am childfree between 9am and 3pm. And I appear to be surviving!!!

My womb didn't shrivel up and fall out on on that first dreaded school run ;)

And my arms have found other uses. No longer needed to wipe snot encrusted noses. Or blood soaked knees.....

They've discovered the 30 day shred ;) and as usual with exercise they're not doing very well :/
I  began on day 1 by discovering that I don't actually own the equipment required for exercise. ...

So I improvised by wearing almost see through  "primark special" leggings. And a vest. I looked in the mirror and thought "fuck get that dvd on quick!!!"

So im bounding about in my own living room with 2 tins of smart price beans in place of weights. My tits have given up trying to assassinate me and have fucked off somewhere else.......

Gillian the Nazi American is screaming at me from my TV. .........and Im screaming back at her!!!!! (Only in my head tho as I actually can't take in oxygen at this point!!!!)

All is going well and I can feel the flab literally flying off my body!!!!!......and winding me as it lands back down with an almighty WHACK!!!!

And then the fucking delivery man knocks the door!!!!!

Shit, im going to have to answer it. He will have seen me leaping round the living room like im on drugs, on his way down the front steps!!!!!

Im so out of breath I don't know how I didn't collapse on him!!!!

He takes one look at me and says "I can't work out what your saying" then thrusts a large box into my babyless arms. .....

I need to breed again before I do myself an injury.......

Thong days

Come on ladies, admit it. We've all suffered these God forsaken days. The ones that go from bad to worse!!!

They're the ones that start with no clean knickers. The thong day has you rummaging through your underwear draw in search of just 1 pair, but no.

Ah ha!! The ironing pile will save me!! And after ten minuets of hunting through the tower of fabric waiting in vain to one day be crease free!! You are now stood naked with not an inch of bedroom floor visible!!

In your panicked state of desperation, You briefly contemplate wearing a pair out the wash bin. Before returning to the knicker draw. 

FOR GOD SAKE THERE MUST BE ONE PAIR STILL IN THERE!!!!!!

and that's when you discover it. Hiding in the depths of beyond. That ridiculous, lacy, 2 sizes too small. Thong, leftover from a bygone you :/

It will have to do. You concede defeat and accept today will just have to be a thong day.......

Your naked pre-schooler comes and sits on your nice clean bed...........after not wiping his bum properly!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course he has, today's a thong day.....

You try to feed the offspring but there's no milk and only the soggy ends of the bread!!!!!!

Of course there is, today's a thong day.......

You open the living room door and step bare foot into a pile of cold cat sick!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, today is most definitely A. THONG.   DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

What Asperger's means to us

S was recently diagnosed with Asperger's. This wasn't really a shock as I have always known that he finds things a struggle, that there was something I couldn't quite put my finger on. My standard response when I was failing to explain became "yes, but...."

When I was explaining to various health visitors, that my toddler didn't play with his toys. He just lined them up or transferred them from one box to another. Her less than helpful response was "oh lots of children do that" and I thought "yes, but......."

When I was explaining to his Pre-school teacher that when we had children round to play, S sat absorbed in something else or played his own game next to them. And she responded with "oh they do that at this age" and I thought "yes, but...."

When I was sat in various church hall coffee mornings listening to other mums complaining of how hard there Pre-schoolers were. Desperately wanting to say "my relationship with my baby is broken. I can't comfort him when he's distraught. He rejects my cuddles, he is 2yrs old and he gives me a handshake not a kiss!! He doesn't like me and I can't bond with him!! Help me!!! I'm a terrible mother, I think I've postnatal depression I don't understand or really know my own son!!!!!"

But all that ever left my lips was "yes, but......."

When he started school and after 2yrs in education failed to read and still put "Q" in his name instead of "a". At parents evenings I was met with "but he missed half of reception year" and I would reply "yes, but......."

When I got called in every week to sign behaviour charts because he refused to come out from under his table, in from playtime, go out at playtime. Because he ran off during p.e etc. And I would plead with his teacher that this behaviour wasn't naughty, it was downright weird!!! Help us!!!

She would say he has to learn and I would think "yes, but....."

And then there were the years and years of excuses. "I'm sorry he's just tired/ill/missing daddy/moved house a lot....etc etc" you name them I've used them!! When we were at a family christening and at 6yrs old he was trying to get back in the womb!!!. At a family wedding when he had to be removed from the reception to conquer a crippling earache. When he was sobbing that he had no friends. Was sat under the table in Pizza Hut being fed like a stray dog!!!

Finally someone came along and gave us a reason. That reason is Asperger's. That  reason is like a sigh of relief. There are strategies we can use to help him. And finally it's as if someone has given me an instruction manual. I understand now. 

I tell him EXACTLY what we are doing. And he no longer screams that Im a liar, because we've stopped at a petrol station when I said we were going to nannies!!. 

We have a clear reward system and let things like not listening and ignoring go unpunished. Because we understand that it is simply too uncomfortable to "look at me when I'm talking to you!!!" And he simply can't "stand/sit still!!!"

So we no longer have him sobbing half way up the stairs that he "DOESN'T KNOW THE RULES!!!!!!"

when he's having a meltdown because the world is just too much!! Too loud, too bright and too scary. I no longer try to comfort him by providing solutions and wrapping my arms round him, like I would my other children. I simply sit next to him, quietly agreeing........and when he is ready he will lean his entire weight and the weight of the world on me. Very frequently knocking me over lol.

The up shot to this diagnosis is that my son and I know how to love each other in a way that we can both express and both understand. It's taken a very long time to admit most of this to myself. But then, I've never really been one for punctuality. 

The downside is having to come to terms with the fact that all of those years you were doing it wrong. Losing your temper, damaging his self esteem and leaving him in a state of confusion and turmoil. That all those things you thought were funny. The jumping up and down in front if the tv. The weird facial expressions and dance moves. The inappropriate comments that had you secretly in stitches!!. They were signs that you never picked up on.

The achievements you were and are so proud of. The times you boasted that your 3yr old could tell you the name of almost every dinosaur in the natural history museum. What they ate and where they came from!!!! 

That your 5yr old could give a word perfect historically accurate tour of Leeds castle!!! 

That at 18mths he correctly told you the gift he had received was infact not a "digger" but an "excavator" leaving family astounded!!! 

Are all these things miraculous pieces of his personality? Or nothing more than symptoms supporting a diagnosis?

It's a lot to get your head round. But fortunately for us we've buckets of love and support around us, so bring it on!!!! ;) 

OH COME ON!!!!!

So today I had an interview. Now as a normal young woman this would be an exciting prospect. I imagine I would get up in the morning and have a shower, do my hair and makeup, poodle down to the interview feeling nervous excitment.

But, as a parent of three small children. It takes a lot of strategic planning, rushing, coersion and a big heaping of luck. Thats just in order to get you to said inteview. Actually getting the job requires divine intrvention.

So I have my shower the night before, There will just not be time during the morning mania. I get up early to do my hair in a style other than 'mummy scruff bun' and paint foundation over my pale worn out complextion. I wake the smalls and the chaos begins "I cant find my shirt!!!" and "where are my pants??" Im doing breakfast, shouting at kids to get a wiggle on.............................and searching for my feckin passport!!!!!!

ahhhhhh its vanished off the face of the earth!!!! AND WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES HENRY!!!!

finally we make it to the car, were all in. But its totally frosted up, so im out freezing my tits off trying to thaw out the car whilst ranting at the smalls that were going to be late!!!!!!

we get to school and all three smalls are safely deposited into the care of their teachers. I get back to the car............NOOOOOO!!!!! it wont start!!!!!!

"oh dont do this to me, I still need petrol before I go to my interview!!!"

Finally my Billy blue car stutters back to life and we make it to the petrol station. Just to discover the lock on the petrol cap is frozen and the key wont turn!!!

ah ha!! I summon the fat ginger teenager from the car in front. unfortunatly he gives a feeble attempt before pissing off to buy some more haribo!! useless.

I know, I will spray some de-icer in the lock.................No, thats oust you dick!!! and your gong to be late!!!!!!

So im giving it my best "turn you fucking piece of shit!!!" whilst twisting the key with all my might. when a pair of gloves appear on the roof and a voice behind me says "I cant just watch you struggle, let me help"

I turn, and Im face to face with an adonis of a man!!!!!!

"Sorry I dont usually swear like that...........oh, ok, maybe I do"

he laughs and with a small twist the petrol cap is off and im on my way.........Hurrah, Im saved and I made it to the interview ontime!!!! a small miracle and a first for me!!!

TAXI!!!!!!!!!

So its been a whie since I blogged and a lot has happened in that time. Dont worry, I wont bore you with it all. The eldest has been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome which is pretty shitty actually. The youngest is NAPPY FREE!!!!!!!! yiiipppeeeeee............ and the girlchild has had all her hair chopped off and been nit free for a good few weeks!!!!

I really must change the name of this blog.........

So yesterday my poor Billy blue car decided he was going to get sick :(
His breaks failed...........yes whilst I was driving!!!..............
and he is now in car hospital awaiting collection today.

So the smalls and I visited my cousin with the help of public transport. something we have not done since 2009!!!.............and now I know why!!!

The taxi arrives and the kids are all like "Yeah, we're going in a Taxi!!!!" look at us all suited and booted in under 2mins and waiting nicely by the door!!!!!!

I let the shock of this slowly seep through my veins.........

Then we get in the car and the'yre being super cute "This is a white car isn't it mummy?"  yes my angel child it is, clever boy!

I start to ooze smug parent as they sit angelically in the taxi while I strap them in.

"Aren't they good" remarks the cab driver and I smile politely letting my 'parent of the year' grin radiate.

Then I get in the front next to the driver. A young smartly dressed indian chap, we exchange smiles. I try to avoid outwardly chocking on the entire bottle of cK1 that hes felt the need to douse himself in, and look out the window.

He starts up with "Do you work?"
my most favourite of questions.....I now have three possible answers here.

1) none of your fucking business!!..........seems a bit harsh, hes only trying to make conversation.
2) no, but I have three children under 7. Want to swap?
3)lie and nod politly.

I opt for three and briefly tell him about the volunteering I do........ So send me to hell!!........

He then replies with "Do you have a partner then?" HOW FUCKING RUDE IS THAT!!!!!!
But I smile and nicely say "Not at the moment".
 "Oh what does that mean?" he asks!!
It means not at this moment in time dickhead!.! You will be pleased to note I didnt actually say that! I was, remember, trapped in his car. What I actually said was "haha *cough cough* you dont get this kind of inquisition on the bus!!"

That shut him up. Ah, good silence, I can go back to starring out the window.

Just in time for the aspergers to become too much for S, and he feel the need to start jibbering in his best punjab accent!!!!!

"S shut up!!!!!!!"
"what? i'm practicing talking like the man!!"
"well dont!! its rude!!"
"why?........doesn't he like how he talks then?"

Great im now inches away, starring face to face. With the cheap fragrance loving, perv of a cab driver!!!

Fortunatly he tries to rescue the situation
"Did you see that new programme on channel 4 last night?"
Shit!! no I didnt. Wonder if I can blag it?

Ahhh its ok, he informs me I can catch it on 4 on demand. And then spends the next 15mins of the journey explaining just how this works and what a modern day miracle 'on demand' is....................

THIS IS WHY I OWN A CAR!!!!! PLEASE GOD LET IT BE FIXED!!!!!

New Starts

 So new beginnings all round as we start a new school year. Stanley starts an entirely new school now hes at the juniors. This traumatic parenting experience will have its own blog post very shortly. Polly goes into year 2, we have a new member of the family in the shape of 'Dave' the kitten. I have also been whipped up in a whirlwind by a wonderful new man. And even my blog has a flashy new name. All this has had a rather pleasing effect on the way I feel and view things. For example.....

  Ive just come upstairs to get dressed. Now usually I stand looking at myself disgustingly in the full length mirror.....I suck in the flab and try to pull the saggy bits back into place....then I let out a deep sigh and make promises to diet and join a gym. Before getting dressed and eating myself stupid.  letting another day pass where the word gym doesn't even enter my head, let alone feature in my vocabulary or to do list. And so the next day the fat sucking starts all over again.

Now this little ritual has been going on since last January!!!

But today it was different.

Here's what happened.

I come up and stare at myself in the mirror as usual. But I look different!!

I put very inappropriate knickers on that I have never worn for more than this try on throw insults at the mirror about how grotesque I look ritual. But, today they look ok!! (i even turn sideways to double check!!!)

I wobble the saggy bits, but they're def not that bad!! So I check the back of the mirror for faults........it appears normal.

I must have lost weight by some fucking miracle!!!
I stand on the scales and actually Ive gained.

The only different thing in my life is the presence of a new man.

 he is clearly making me feel very good about myself :)


And as un-nerving as this is......I quite like it ;)

Norwegian adventures

So we've all been on a bit of an adventure the past week. The smalls took there nits and nappies on a trip to daddy's house. They flew off to Malta as I sobbed all the way home from Stansted. Thank goodness for skype and sisters and good friends to keep your mind occupied.

I set off on my big Norwegian adventure the next day. Being an incy bit nervous of take offs and landings..........oh ok,  a gibbering fucking wreck during takeoffs and landings!!!!! I try to avoid flying alone. But having not seen my sister for 7 years and never having met my niece and two nephews. The £30 airfare swayed my decision and off I pissed, alone to Norway.

The flight out was ok. The six hour wait in the airport the other end, was boring as hell!!!!!! thank god for a fully loaded Kindle and a mummykins who bought it (see that nice bit of crawling, I know she reads)

So finally its time for the train. And, Christ what a train!!!! This train was like a fucking space shuttle!! complete with bar and cafe including 1940's reproduction leather armchairs!!!! and a view that made me gasp out load. Here have a sneeky peek

So anyway, Im in awe from the second I leave the airport, to the second I board my flight home!! My sisters house is like something off a TV show or an ideal homes magazine...............she is coming over to mine in october!!!........so.......errr.......hahahahahahahahahahahaha........yeah, I'm sure she wont notice the difference!!

Her children are so well behaved, although I cant speak a word of Norwegian. Apart from the words for 'poo' and 'fart' in which my 5yr old nephew delighted in trying to get me to say hahaha. so I wouldn't have known if they were misbehaving or not. They are so active and outdoors and not frightened of a thing!! let me put this in contrast. I currently have 1 child laying on the couch watching TV (he already been on the naughty step once today. The others are whining for orange juice and despite the glorious weather they are convinced its going to rain today!!!

So anyway, I've had a fantastic week away. I've eaten better than at any other time of my life, I've laughed so hard in my sisters kitchen i nearly wet myself, I've navigated my way from London to Kristiansand all by my fucking self!!!! and just to Irritate you all with gushiness "I feel epic!!!"

But all too soon its over and I'm boarding the train home. Sad to leave and as ever totally convinced I'm living in the wrong country. Weather this fuels the fire for yet another house move remains to be seen. I arrive back at the airport and spend the weekly shopping budget on a burger and chips!!! and then I sit quietly reading my kindle and wait for the flight.

Along comes Mr ego "can I sit on this table or will it break?"
I glance up at him. A middle aged fat man with too much hair and shades on!!!
I shoot him a look which hopefully says "Its a table, your considerably heavier than most people your age. yes it will probably break, so fuck off!!!"
he sits down anyway........... I go back to reading. Which I'm hoping conveys my disdain for this creature perched on an airport side table.

apparently not as Mr ego begins to speak at me for the next minuets. He's working at a festival you know. "Norway's, Glastonbury" yes he actually said that!!!!! I point out that Glastonbury is held in a fuck off big field in the middle of nowhere and his festival is being held in a building in the middle of the capital city.

He doesn't hear me. He's too busy name dropping all the celebs hes best friends with. As I'm so enthralled in the conversation I decide to count. He name drops 15 times as we climb the stairs the board the aircraft.

yes, I got stuck next to this moron for the entire flight and again in the passport queue.........I only managed to escape by hiding in the ladies loo!!!!

I'm Glad to be home, But wow what a great trip.