TAXI!!!!!!!!!

So its been a whie since I blogged and a lot has happened in that time. Dont worry, I wont bore you with it all. The eldest has been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome which is pretty shitty actually. The youngest is NAPPY FREE!!!!!!!! yiiipppeeeeee............ and the girlchild has had all her hair chopped off and been nit free for a good few weeks!!!!

I really must change the name of this blog.........

So yesterday my poor Billy blue car decided he was going to get sick :(
His breaks failed...........yes whilst I was driving!!!..............
and he is now in car hospital awaiting collection today.

So the smalls and I visited my cousin with the help of public transport. something we have not done since 2009!!!.............and now I know why!!!

The taxi arrives and the kids are all like "Yeah, we're going in a Taxi!!!!" look at us all suited and booted in under 2mins and waiting nicely by the door!!!!!!

I let the shock of this slowly seep through my veins.........

Then we get in the car and the'yre being super cute "This is a white car isn't it mummy?"  yes my angel child it is, clever boy!

I start to ooze smug parent as they sit angelically in the taxi while I strap them in.

"Aren't they good" remarks the cab driver and I smile politely letting my 'parent of the year' grin radiate.

Then I get in the front next to the driver. A young smartly dressed indian chap, we exchange smiles. I try to avoid outwardly chocking on the entire bottle of cK1 that hes felt the need to douse himself in, and look out the window.

He starts up with "Do you work?"
my most favourite of questions.....I now have three possible answers here.

1) none of your fucking business!!..........seems a bit harsh, hes only trying to make conversation.
2) no, but I have three children under 7. Want to swap?
3)lie and nod politly.

I opt for three and briefly tell him about the volunteering I do........ So send me to hell!!........

He then replies with "Do you have a partner then?" HOW FUCKING RUDE IS THAT!!!!!!
But I smile and nicely say "Not at the moment".
 "Oh what does that mean?" he asks!!
It means not at this moment in time dickhead!.! You will be pleased to note I didnt actually say that! I was, remember, trapped in his car. What I actually said was "haha *cough cough* you dont get this kind of inquisition on the bus!!"

That shut him up. Ah, good silence, I can go back to starring out the window.

Just in time for the aspergers to become too much for S, and he feel the need to start jibbering in his best punjab accent!!!!!

"S shut up!!!!!!!"
"what? i'm practicing talking like the man!!"
"well dont!! its rude!!"
"why?........doesn't he like how he talks then?"

Great im now inches away, starring face to face. With the cheap fragrance loving, perv of a cab driver!!!

Fortunatly he tries to rescue the situation
"Did you see that new programme on channel 4 last night?"
Shit!! no I didnt. Wonder if I can blag it?

Ahhh its ok, he informs me I can catch it on 4 on demand. And then spends the next 15mins of the journey explaining just how this works and what a modern day miracle 'on demand' is....................

THIS IS WHY I OWN A CAR!!!!! PLEASE GOD LET IT BE FIXED!!!!!

New Starts

 So new beginnings all round as we start a new school year. Stanley starts an entirely new school now hes at the juniors. This traumatic parenting experience will have its own blog post very shortly. Polly goes into year 2, we have a new member of the family in the shape of 'Dave' the kitten. I have also been whipped up in a whirlwind by a wonderful new man. And even my blog has a flashy new name. All this has had a rather pleasing effect on the way I feel and view things. For example.....

  Ive just come upstairs to get dressed. Now usually I stand looking at myself disgustingly in the full length mirror.....I suck in the flab and try to pull the saggy bits back into place....then I let out a deep sigh and make promises to diet and join a gym. Before getting dressed and eating myself stupid.  letting another day pass where the word gym doesn't even enter my head, let alone feature in my vocabulary or to do list. And so the next day the fat sucking starts all over again.

Now this little ritual has been going on since last January!!!

But today it was different.

Here's what happened.

I come up and stare at myself in the mirror as usual. But I look different!!

I put very inappropriate knickers on that I have never worn for more than this try on throw insults at the mirror about how grotesque I look ritual. But, today they look ok!! (i even turn sideways to double check!!!)

I wobble the saggy bits, but they're def not that bad!! So I check the back of the mirror for faults........it appears normal.

I must have lost weight by some fucking miracle!!!
I stand on the scales and actually Ive gained.

The only different thing in my life is the presence of a new man.

 he is clearly making me feel very good about myself :)


And as un-nerving as this is......I quite like it ;)

Norwegian adventures

So we've all been on a bit of an adventure the past week. The smalls took there nits and nappies on a trip to daddy's house. They flew off to Malta as I sobbed all the way home from Stansted. Thank goodness for skype and sisters and good friends to keep your mind occupied.

I set off on my big Norwegian adventure the next day. Being an incy bit nervous of take offs and landings..........oh ok,  a gibbering fucking wreck during takeoffs and landings!!!!! I try to avoid flying alone. But having not seen my sister for 7 years and never having met my niece and two nephews. The £30 airfare swayed my decision and off I pissed, alone to Norway.

The flight out was ok. The six hour wait in the airport the other end, was boring as hell!!!!!! thank god for a fully loaded Kindle and a mummykins who bought it (see that nice bit of crawling, I know she reads)

So finally its time for the train. And, Christ what a train!!!! This train was like a fucking space shuttle!! complete with bar and cafe including 1940's reproduction leather armchairs!!!! and a view that made me gasp out load. Here have a sneeky peek

So anyway, Im in awe from the second I leave the airport, to the second I board my flight home!! My sisters house is like something off a TV show or an ideal homes magazine...............she is coming over to mine in october!!!........so.......errr.......hahahahahahahahahahahaha........yeah, I'm sure she wont notice the difference!!

Her children are so well behaved, although I cant speak a word of Norwegian. Apart from the words for 'poo' and 'fart' in which my 5yr old nephew delighted in trying to get me to say hahaha. so I wouldn't have known if they were misbehaving or not. They are so active and outdoors and not frightened of a thing!! let me put this in contrast. I currently have 1 child laying on the couch watching TV (he already been on the naughty step once today. The others are whining for orange juice and despite the glorious weather they are convinced its going to rain today!!!

So anyway, I've had a fantastic week away. I've eaten better than at any other time of my life, I've laughed so hard in my sisters kitchen i nearly wet myself, I've navigated my way from London to Kristiansand all by my fucking self!!!! and just to Irritate you all with gushiness "I feel epic!!!"

But all too soon its over and I'm boarding the train home. Sad to leave and as ever totally convinced I'm living in the wrong country. Weather this fuels the fire for yet another house move remains to be seen. I arrive back at the airport and spend the weekly shopping budget on a burger and chips!!! and then I sit quietly reading my kindle and wait for the flight.

Along comes Mr ego "can I sit on this table or will it break?"
I glance up at him. A middle aged fat man with too much hair and shades on!!!
I shoot him a look which hopefully says "Its a table, your considerably heavier than most people your age. yes it will probably break, so fuck off!!!"
he sits down anyway........... I go back to reading. Which I'm hoping conveys my disdain for this creature perched on an airport side table.

apparently not as Mr ego begins to speak at me for the next minuets. He's working at a festival you know. "Norway's, Glastonbury" yes he actually said that!!!!! I point out that Glastonbury is held in a fuck off big field in the middle of nowhere and his festival is being held in a building in the middle of the capital city.

He doesn't hear me. He's too busy name dropping all the celebs hes best friends with. As I'm so enthralled in the conversation I decide to count. He name drops 15 times as we climb the stairs the board the aircraft.

yes, I got stuck next to this moron for the entire flight and again in the passport queue.........I only managed to escape by hiding in the ladies loo!!!!

I'm Glad to be home, But wow what a great trip.

Here comes the summer

So i'm sat in my dining room, all on my own. Kids in bed, house trashed and i'm bloody shattered!!!

THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!

we've been up since the crack of dawn. This is usually bad enough.....but when there is absolutely no reason for it!!!!! it makes you want to cry under the duvet. I slink down under the cover and try to drown out the noise of the tv downstairs. Which incidently has to be on at full volume. Once I feel it is safe and late enough to emerge from my haven. I slowly peel the covers down. A naked toddler caked from head to foot in chocolate spread rattles a box of sweets in my face "MUM-EEEE, MUM-EEEE OPEN DIS ONE. MUUUM-EEEEEEE"

URGH.........................................................................

So Im up.........well awake. I make my way to bathroom negotiating the entire contents of the lego box spread across the landing. I feel a huge sense of achievement at having not trodden on a single piece. But then I remember. You only step on lego when it sneaks up on you. so it will be at some point in the next week when even having hoovered I will step unsuspectingly impale myself on lego barefoot!!!!!!

THATS THE JOY OF THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS ;)

The sand in between your toes...........and your sofa cushions, your tiles, the washing machine door and the line of sand that runs down the bathtub once you've emptied it.........I particularly like that bit!!!

The sun on your face..............and your car making it 100degrees when you get in, and your shoulders making the wearing of a seatbelt totally excruciating.

The sea laping at your feet.......especially if you foolishly shaved your legs that morning!!!

The wind in your hair :) and the ice-cream, vomit, caked in sand and nit lotion by the end of the summer!!!!

Oh dont you just love it? and the kids, There little faces, They are so fucking happy they could cry!!!!!! oh, hang on. No, thats the sand in there eye, graze on there knee and the beating a sibling has just dished out!!!!!!

And at the end of the day when you finally collapse you utter those three magic words no parent can escape........  for fuck sake!!!!!!!

So today has been a bit like this.....

my alarm went off at 7:15, i snoozed it till 8am!!!!!...........SSSHHHHHHIIITTTTT!!!!!!!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE AT HALF PAST!!!!!

I run downstairs in my dressing gown and begin throwing cereal into bowls whilst yelling "GET YOUR UNIFORM ON!!!" and "WHY IS THE TV ON!!!" AND "QUICK, WE ARE LATE!! WE HAVE TO LEAVE IN 10MINS!!!!!"

The kids start eating.......far.......too......slowly........

im trying to wiggle into flip flops wipe henry's mouth and do pollys hair while she's still eating.......its not going well........

COATS ON ITS HALF PAST!!!!!! COME ON!!!!!!

no!!!!!! why has henry got undressed!!!!!!!! yes because he hates me, God hates me, the world and its elements are conspiring against me!!!!!!...........AHHHHH DESPAIR!!!!!!!!

I re-dress Henry while trying to push stan out the front door. We make it to the pavement VICTORY!!!!!!.

and the Bin men come down the road..........SSHSHHHHIIIITTTT!!!!!!!!
So im chasing the bin men, praying the bottom of my too full sack doesn't split while Henry decides he cant possibly hold a hand today and walk to school without screaming, sobbing and having to be dragged there.

We finally make it to school and home.....ahhh I can calm down now as i start to put washing on the line and re-load the machine. But, Wait, my brief moment of harmony is interrupted by a shrieking in agony Henry!!
He is weeing, and its clearly excruciating. So i call the Drs surgery and a small miracle happens.

"bring him down in an hour, and Dr will see him" says the nice receptionist. Im not making this up!!!! Yes, that actually happened in Medway at 10am!!!!!

I now have an hr to get Henry to pee again!!! I ply him with drinks and strip him from the waist down. I then proceed to use my most favoured parenting tactic of bribery......."Henry, if you wee in this Tupperware pot for mummy. I will give you some special sweeties and a drink of cola"...........yeah, yeah,yeah judge me all you want. The chances of him succeeding are pretty much nil!!

I spend 30mins following my naked toddler with a small plastic pot when yes, you've guessed it. He poo's on my floor!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhh no time to stress thou, wee always follows poo!!! right?

WRONG!!!!!!

we have 15 mins of him sat on a potty with his willy in a pot whilst im singing every nursery rhyme known to man........even a made up one about pissing in a pot!!!!!!!!

I give up.........lets get a nappy on and go to the Dr.

and, yes, you've guessed it.........he pee's on the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im now a grown woman on the verge of tears, scooping urine into Tupperware pot with a teaspoon!!!!!!!!

The rest of the day followed exactly the same course. I forgot to re-stock the nursery bag. So Henry came home in 'big boy pants' and pissed all over the car!!!!!!!

I went out and cut the grass.......so Henry ate 6 yoghurt's and 2 bananas, leaving the mush and peel all over my lounge.

I cooked dinner without putting TV on........So polly got every piece of craft equipment we own out in the dining room.

and I thought I would be nice and let them watch a DVD in bed (also due to the above could not be arsed with a bedtime story!!!!).........so after the film Polly has an hour long tantrum about getting in her bed.

today is definitely done!!!! lets see what fun we can have tomorrow!

Home from Home

so do we actually ever really grow up and leave home?

I've been to visit my mum this weekend, and it got me pondering the above question. I am a 28yr old divorcee, mother of three. (there that sounds very grown up!! doesn't it) I have been a Motorist for the past decade!!! (Christ that does sound grown up!!) I left school and got my first full-time job TEN YEARS AGO!!!!!!!! I have lived abroad and travelled to 3 different continents.

To look at me you would think (I hope) responsible adult.

Then I walk into my mothers house and I am transformed to a whiney 15yr old..............

let me explain. Here is my usual 'hi mum i'm home' routine.

I let myself in (something I don't do anywhere else but the home I live in full-time with my children)
we all dump our shoes and coats on the floor in the hallway and go up.
I check the fridge..... I have no idea why, i'm not hungry, I just like to look and at this point I may say something like......"why are there no yougarts!!!! URGH!!!"   (would I do this in any other house where I am not the bill payer? no, of course I wouldn't)

I then go through and say Hi to my mum (or just slump in a chair and look in her general direction) the kids have already trashed her lounge and got an army of toys strewn over the floor and cartoons on the tv.

It was at this point this weekend, I announced (not asked) that I was going up for a shower as mine has broken and I didn't fancy a bath last night. I leave her with my three little nightmares demanding drinks and crisps and just helping themselves to the fruit bowl. Again, they would not behave this way in anyone else's house.....But its nanny's house so its OK. Its generally accepted they live here too, as do I.

When I come down from my shower, I find them all watching Pirates of the Caribbean. Now I don't know about your house. But, We cant watch a film without some running debate about it going on.

I ask "which one is this?"
"its the first one"
"no its not its the third one"
"no, its the one with black beard in"
everyone else in unison "SHUT UP!!! ITS NOT!!"
"look, its the one with the flying Dutchman in, that's the third one!!"
"NO ITS NOT"

and so on, and on. No one bothers to check the TV guide to find out because then what would we talk through the entire film about?

mum feeds us all, and clears up. I bath the kids and put them in pjs from the stash of clothes my mum keeps at her house for them and then we drive Home. To our real home where I pay the bills!!

I generally pitch up at mums house about twice a week if not more. I never tell her i'm coming really, as it doesn't matter if she's in or not.

Will I ever feel that it is no longer my home? That I actually moved out 9yrs ago and do in fact live elsewhere?

I hope not!!!!!

The Best of British

I've spent most of my life feeling thoroughly bored to be British.............

In fact I grew up thinking that being British was incredibly depressing..........

The weather is depressing, usually grey and cloudy with only the promise of wet drizzle. Much like the occupants of these less than enchanting Isles.
The landscape is blighted by row after row of Victorian slums. Tiny little hovels with barely any light able to penetrate the tiny windows. A seamless merging of pavement, exterior and concrete yard......
The people.....well, lets face it what are we world famous for? being quietly discontent, whining about the weather, our lack of emotion and the ability to queue!!!!!!!

Christ, even our national anthem is depressing!!!!!! and lets face it a little bit like our country's history.
We start off all guns blazing, singing loudly, PROUD!!!!!!

rather like the start of the last century. Empire and wealth and high standards....

"GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS QUEEN!!!!!"

then we take a deep breath and were getting a bit complacent, a bit bored........

rather like the 1980's and 90's... yeah, yeah its all high tech and darling. Puffed out shoulder pads to show how 'great' we used to be....

"SEND HER VICTORIOUS............."

 and then were at the next verse, the new century if you will.....

and nobody quite knows the words......... we've forgotten what it was all about anyway!!!

*we all just mumble something along to the dreary tune that's never ending and hope no one else has noticed!!!*


(p.s bet the Americans know all of there national anthem ;)


And then comes 2012!!!!!!! and its all 'wills and Kate' 'Olympics' and 'jubilee'
The poundshops are full union jack toot and you can buy a patriotic tea towel in any part of the country!!! not just on a day trip to London!!!!!

people are hanging flags out there windows and I'm even having a jubilee party!!!!!

were all getting that great British eccentricity flowing through our veins and I love it!!!!!!! but I cant help wondering 'what the hell has happened!!!' I mean its great an all...... but....well.......

"Its certainly not cricket!!!!"

Here we go round the mulberry bush

So We've yet to escape the round-a-bout of life.

The Hero visits, then leaves. Then as another week passes into oblivion he's back for another visit again.
The Nits arrive, lay eggs, get nuked by hedrin. Then before we know it they're back again and I'm £11 poorer....
The Smalls get up, get dropped at school, get collected, go to bed, get up......bla,bla,bla

even the week goes round in the same old fashion. Bath night, Girls brigade, Homework, Bath night, homework, Boys brigade.........and on, and on, and on......

Even food!!!!! honest to god!!!! Sunday is chicken (roast in winter/ salad in summer) Monday mince, Tuesday pasta bake, bla,bla,bla

And this is the way we live our life, live our life, live our life....... ON A COLD AND FROSTY MORNING!!!!!!!!!!

Heres something new..........Im getting a new mulberry bush :D

Ive been having not so secret meetings with a not so secret lady. If she cant help me Im going to ditch the car and finance the new bush myself. Either way, this time next year my mulberry bush will be a dim and distant memory and I will have a whole new piece of shrubbery to bitch and blog about :D

Shit days

If your having one of those "why do I bother leaving the bed?!?" Kind of days. Take some comfort from the fact that you are not alone........I have them too......regularly.

Take today for example, after spending all of what was the hottest day of the year so far, stuck in my shit heap of a car with 3 children bursting with energy. Travelling to the other side of the country......just to come back again. I have had to get up early (oh didums, I hear you moan) but did 'I' have to get up early? Am I spending the day with nanny for a sleepover? Am I going to browse new cars after smashing mine up? Am I the one in need of the shopping center even? .......no, no I am not!!

Yet I'm up being slave to every other inhabitant of the house.

Unfortunately "can I have breakfast?" Can not be answered with "do it your fucking self" when asked by a five year old.

And equally "can you help me get dressed/tidy my room/wipe my arse/etc, etc" can not be replied with "piss off!!" No matter how much I feel like saying it (not even just once for some small amusement) apparently its child abuse and bad parenting........

Yet when I ask for someone to help me or do something like, say oh I dont know tidy there toys or bring there empty bowl out or help me in some small way. It's ignored.
Well I say ignored. A better discription would be left until I go fucking spastic and start doing it myself anyway

So were now 2hrs behind. Do I care? No I do not........
Oh yeah and I had to queue for my petrol!!........the fucking cheek of it!! This country, honestly.......  

The 7yr Itch

Don't panic, I'm not moving house again...........yet ;) And I'm already divorced, so there's no fear of that either!! No, what the title refers to is the fact that I am now the mother of a 7 year old!!!!!!! I know, UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!! that and we are once again infested with the little critters that like to live in children's hair :(

So we've been having lots of fun. We've been de-fleeing each other which has also cleared up some of the cradle cap on Henry's head :)

Each and every morning my offspring queue up for a good old fashioned scalping with the little metal comb. I get great satisfaction from laying the evictee's out on a piece of crystal white kitchen roll. Luckily the sailor is somewhat folically challenged so you would spot any nits a mile off. Still not a nice job and even more disheartening that this latest episode means polly is using up all my hairspray in an attempt to stop others catching her dreaded nits!!!

check out some of our 2012 spring anti-nit hair collection, on the right hand side

So anyway, Getting back to the birthday boy!!!!!! 7!!!!!!!!!! seriously how did that even happen??

Stanley has been so excited it is untrue!! and to quote him, he has "been waiting his whole life to be 7!!"

everything he does is because he is 7 now. He even stopped a lady on the way to school to tell her he has to use an electric toothbrush now he is 7 (no Stan mummy just buys shit presents)

And he is now a responsible pet owner. The proud owner of a 10week old Hamster named Nibbles.

And I am left in disbelief and awe whenever i see the sensitive, clever, caring and capable young boy he has become.(this last line may get edited out depending on how successful the fortnight Easter holidays are).

Long time coming

So it appears I had fallen off the blogging bandwagon for a while. Well, we are all still here and pleased to announce so far nit free ;) Lots of changes and ups and down but muddling along never the less :)

Achievements since the last entry are still on my mind. Some, such as the move have been accomplished. Others, such as the course are still in the thinking and planning stage................

we've survived a Christmas and a half term since I last wrote and unfortunately we are yet to become a nappy free household. I have taken up a new hobby besides shouting at my offspring and have been crocheting like my life depends on it!!!! 2 blankets, 3 teddy bears a bag and a wallet all complete!!!!

wow my life is interesting isn't it!!!!!!!!!!

Take this week for example. It began pretty much like this

Action shot!!!!! 3 weeks of sick children right over halfterm..........bring it on!!!!!


But unfortunately once a little bit more of this ..............................

and some of this!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got added in................its ending up more like this.................

throw in some of this.................and,

you've got to this stage...

 And its only Tuesday.......... Good job I have my Blog, before it gets desperate and I resort to this