So its been a dry old autumn from me. Yet again it seems I have fallen off the blogging bandwagon....

So what's been occurring?

The youngest small has started school!!! I am childfree between 9am and 3pm. And I appear to be surviving!!!

My womb didn't shrivel up and fall out on on that first dreaded school run ;)

And my arms have found other uses. No longer needed to wipe snot encrusted noses. Or blood soaked knees.....

They've discovered the 30 day shred ;) and as usual with exercise they're not doing very well :/
I  began on day 1 by discovering that I don't actually own the equipment required for exercise. ...

So I improvised by wearing almost see through  "primark special" leggings. And a vest. I looked in the mirror and thought "fuck get that dvd on quick!!!"

So im bounding about in my own living room with 2 tins of smart price beans in place of weights. My tits have given up trying to assassinate me and have fucked off somewhere else.......

Gillian the Nazi American is screaming at me from my TV. .........and Im screaming back at her!!!!! (Only in my head tho as I actually can't take in oxygen at this point!!!!)

All is going well and I can feel the flab literally flying off my body!!!!!......and winding me as it lands back down with an almighty WHACK!!!!

And then the fucking delivery man knocks the door!!!!!

Shit, im going to have to answer it. He will have seen me leaping round the living room like im on drugs, on his way down the front steps!!!!!

Im so out of breath I don't know how I didn't collapse on him!!!!

He takes one look at me and says "I can't work out what your saying" then thrusts a large box into my babyless arms. .....

I need to breed again before I do myself an injury.......

Thong days

Come on ladies, admit it. We've all suffered these God forsaken days. The ones that go from bad to worse!!!

They're the ones that start with no clean knickers. The thong day has you rummaging through your underwear draw in search of just 1 pair, but no.

Ah ha!! The ironing pile will save me!! And after ten minuets of hunting through the tower of fabric waiting in vain to one day be crease free!! You are now stood naked with not an inch of bedroom floor visible!!

In your panicked state of desperation, You briefly contemplate wearing a pair out the wash bin. Before returning to the knicker draw. 

FOR GOD SAKE THERE MUST BE ONE PAIR STILL IN THERE!!!!!!

and that's when you discover it. Hiding in the depths of beyond. That ridiculous, lacy, 2 sizes too small. Thong, leftover from a bygone you :/

It will have to do. You concede defeat and accept today will just have to be a thong day.......

Your naked pre-schooler comes and sits on your nice clean bed...........after not wiping his bum properly!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course he has, today's a thong day.....

You try to feed the offspring but there's no milk and only the soggy ends of the bread!!!!!!

Of course there is, today's a thong day.......

You open the living room door and step bare foot into a pile of cold cat sick!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, today is most definitely A. THONG.   DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

What Asperger's means to us

S was recently diagnosed with Asperger's. This wasn't really a shock as I have always known that he finds things a struggle, that there was something I couldn't quite put my finger on. My standard response when I was failing to explain became "yes, but...."

When I was explaining to various health visitors, that my toddler didn't play with his toys. He just lined them up or transferred them from one box to another. Her less than helpful response was "oh lots of children do that" and I thought "yes, but......."

When I was explaining to his Pre-school teacher that when we had children round to play, S sat absorbed in something else or played his own game next to them. And she responded with "oh they do that at this age" and I thought "yes, but...."

When I was sat in various church hall coffee mornings listening to other mums complaining of how hard there Pre-schoolers were. Desperately wanting to say "my relationship with my baby is broken. I can't comfort him when he's distraught. He rejects my cuddles, he is 2yrs old and he gives me a handshake not a kiss!! He doesn't like me and I can't bond with him!! Help me!!! I'm a terrible mother, I think I've postnatal depression I don't understand or really know my own son!!!!!"

But all that ever left my lips was "yes, but......."

When he started school and after 2yrs in education failed to read and still put "Q" in his name instead of "a". At parents evenings I was met with "but he missed half of reception year" and I would reply "yes, but......."

When I got called in every week to sign behaviour charts because he refused to come out from under his table, in from playtime, go out at playtime. Because he ran off during p.e etc. And I would plead with his teacher that this behaviour wasn't naughty, it was downright weird!!! Help us!!!

She would say he has to learn and I would think "yes, but....."

And then there were the years and years of excuses. "I'm sorry he's just tired/ill/missing daddy/moved house a lot....etc etc" you name them I've used them!! When we were at a family christening and at 6yrs old he was trying to get back in the womb!!!. At a family wedding when he had to be removed from the reception to conquer a crippling earache. When he was sobbing that he had no friends. Was sat under the table in Pizza Hut being fed like a stray dog!!!

Finally someone came along and gave us a reason. That reason is Asperger's. That  reason is like a sigh of relief. There are strategies we can use to help him. And finally it's as if someone has given me an instruction manual. I understand now. 

I tell him EXACTLY what we are doing. And he no longer screams that Im a liar, because we've stopped at a petrol station when I said we were going to nannies!!. 

We have a clear reward system and let things like not listening and ignoring go unpunished. Because we understand that it is simply too uncomfortable to "look at me when I'm talking to you!!!" And he simply can't "stand/sit still!!!"

So we no longer have him sobbing half way up the stairs that he "DOESN'T KNOW THE RULES!!!!!!"

when he's having a meltdown because the world is just too much!! Too loud, too bright and too scary. I no longer try to comfort him by providing solutions and wrapping my arms round him, like I would my other children. I simply sit next to him, quietly agreeing........and when he is ready he will lean his entire weight and the weight of the world on me. Very frequently knocking me over lol.

The up shot to this diagnosis is that my son and I know how to love each other in a way that we can both express and both understand. It's taken a very long time to admit most of this to myself. But then, I've never really been one for punctuality. 

The downside is having to come to terms with the fact that all of those years you were doing it wrong. Losing your temper, damaging his self esteem and leaving him in a state of confusion and turmoil. That all those things you thought were funny. The jumping up and down in front if the tv. The weird facial expressions and dance moves. The inappropriate comments that had you secretly in stitches!!. They were signs that you never picked up on.

The achievements you were and are so proud of. The times you boasted that your 3yr old could tell you the name of almost every dinosaur in the natural history museum. What they ate and where they came from!!!! 

That your 5yr old could give a word perfect historically accurate tour of Leeds castle!!! 

That at 18mths he correctly told you the gift he had received was infact not a "digger" but an "excavator" leaving family astounded!!! 

Are all these things miraculous pieces of his personality? Or nothing more than symptoms supporting a diagnosis?

It's a lot to get your head round. But fortunately for us we've buckets of love and support around us, so bring it on!!!! ;) 

OH COME ON!!!!!

So today I had an interview. Now as a normal young woman this would be an exciting prospect. I imagine I would get up in the morning and have a shower, do my hair and makeup, poodle down to the interview feeling nervous excitment.

But, as a parent of three small children. It takes a lot of strategic planning, rushing, coersion and a big heaping of luck. Thats just in order to get you to said inteview. Actually getting the job requires divine intrvention.

So I have my shower the night before, There will just not be time during the morning mania. I get up early to do my hair in a style other than 'mummy scruff bun' and paint foundation over my pale worn out complextion. I wake the smalls and the chaos begins "I cant find my shirt!!!" and "where are my pants??" Im doing breakfast, shouting at kids to get a wiggle on.............................and searching for my feckin passport!!!!!!

ahhhhhh its vanished off the face of the earth!!!! AND WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES HENRY!!!!

finally we make it to the car, were all in. But its totally frosted up, so im out freezing my tits off trying to thaw out the car whilst ranting at the smalls that were going to be late!!!!!!

we get to school and all three smalls are safely deposited into the care of their teachers. I get back to the car............NOOOOOO!!!!! it wont start!!!!!!

"oh dont do this to me, I still need petrol before I go to my interview!!!"

Finally my Billy blue car stutters back to life and we make it to the petrol station. Just to discover the lock on the petrol cap is frozen and the key wont turn!!!

ah ha!! I summon the fat ginger teenager from the car in front. unfortunatly he gives a feeble attempt before pissing off to buy some more haribo!! useless.

I know, I will spray some de-icer in the lock.................No, thats oust you dick!!! and your gong to be late!!!!!!

So im giving it my best "turn you fucking piece of shit!!!" whilst twisting the key with all my might. when a pair of gloves appear on the roof and a voice behind me says "I cant just watch you struggle, let me help"

I turn, and Im face to face with an adonis of a man!!!!!!

"Sorry I dont usually swear like that...........oh, ok, maybe I do"

he laughs and with a small twist the petrol cap is off and im on my way.........Hurrah, Im saved and I made it to the interview ontime!!!! a small miracle and a first for me!!!