When I was explaining to various health visitors, that my toddler didn't play with his toys. He just lined them up or transferred them from one box to another. Her less than helpful response was "oh lots of children do that" and I thought "yes, but......."
When I was explaining to his Pre-school teacher that when we had children round to play, S sat absorbed in something else or played his own game next to them. And she responded with "oh they do that at this age" and I thought "yes, but...."
When I was sat in various church hall coffee mornings listening to other mums complaining of how hard there Pre-schoolers were. Desperately wanting to say "my relationship with my baby is broken. I can't comfort him when he's distraught. He rejects my cuddles, he is 2yrs old and he gives me a handshake not a kiss!! He doesn't like me and I can't bond with him!! Help me!!! I'm a terrible mother, I think I've postnatal depression I don't understand or really know my own son!!!!!"
But all that ever left my lips was "yes, but......."
When he started school and after 2yrs in education failed to read and still put "Q" in his name instead of "a". At parents evenings I was met with "but he missed half of reception year" and I would reply "yes, but......."
When I got called in every week to sign behaviour charts because he refused to come out from under his table, in from playtime, go out at playtime. Because he ran off during p.e etc. And I would plead with his teacher that this behaviour wasn't naughty, it was downright weird!!! Help us!!!
She would say he has to learn and I would think "yes, but....."
And then there were the years and years of excuses. "I'm sorry he's just tired/ill/missing daddy/moved house a lot....etc etc" you name them I've used them!! When we were at a family christening and at 6yrs old he was trying to get back in the womb!!!. At a family wedding when he had to be removed from the reception to conquer a crippling earache. When he was sobbing that he had no friends. Was sat under the table in Pizza Hut being fed like a stray dog!!!
Finally someone came along and gave us a reason. That reason is Asperger's. That reason is like a sigh of relief. There are strategies we can use to help him. And finally it's as if someone has given me an instruction manual. I understand now.
I tell him EXACTLY what we are doing. And he no longer screams that Im a liar, because we've stopped at a petrol station when I said we were going to nannies!!.
We have a clear reward system and let things like not listening and ignoring go unpunished. Because we understand that it is simply too uncomfortable to "look at me when I'm talking to you!!!" And he simply can't "stand/sit still!!!"
So we no longer have him sobbing half way up the stairs that he "DOESN'T KNOW THE RULES!!!!!!"
when he's having a meltdown because the world is just too much!! Too loud, too bright and too scary. I no longer try to comfort him by providing solutions and wrapping my arms round him, like I would my other children. I simply sit next to him, quietly agreeing........and when he is ready he will lean his entire weight and the weight of the world on me. Very frequently knocking me over lol.
The up shot to this diagnosis is that my son and I know how to love each other in a way that we can both express and both understand. It's taken a very long time to admit most of this to myself. But then, I've never really been one for punctuality.
The downside is having to come to terms with the fact that all of those years you were doing it wrong. Losing your temper, damaging his self esteem and leaving him in a state of confusion and turmoil. That all those things you thought were funny. The jumping up and down in front if the tv. The weird facial expressions and dance moves. The inappropriate comments that had you secretly in stitches!!. They were signs that you never picked up on.
The achievements you were and are so proud of. The times you boasted that your 3yr old could tell you the name of almost every dinosaur in the natural history museum. What they ate and where they came from!!!!
That your 5yr old could give a word perfect historically accurate tour of Leeds castle!!!
That at 18mths he correctly told you the gift he had received was infact not a "digger" but an "excavator" leaving family astounded!!!
Are all these things miraculous pieces of his personality? Or nothing more than symptoms supporting a diagnosis?
It's a lot to get your head round. But fortunately for us we've buckets of love and support around us, so bring it on!!!! ;)
