Plenty more fish in the sea

So the man who has dominated my life for the past 18mths has left it. Off to be a Hero elsewhere. I cant describe the hurt I feel. Its the middle of the night im sitting in the dark with my pc and 2 sleeping children (nit fee) for comfort. Its not working if your interested.

Im left wondering what I did wrong? and where my life goes from here on?. How do you pick yourself up and stop the hurt?. How can I accept comfort when the only person on this planet that I want comfort from. Is gone.

So there's plenty more fish in the sea you say?

Thats great except the sea is quite bewildering and I don't want more fish. I want my fish.

God this is depressing!!! lets form an action plan!! lets start with what we have and forget about what we have lost.

ASSETS

Age, yes age is def on my side. Theoretically I have a lot of years ahead of me. So there's a big chance that during those years this feeling will fade and be replaced by new feelings. It will end I just need to find the fast forward button :)

Capabilities, Hmmmmm. Well actually this week i laid a bloody brand new floor!!!! that's a pretty big achievement for someone falling apart at the moment!! yes, fuck it im a capable person!! (conveniently forgets the bouts of sobbing in the car followed by moping round the house torturing myself with past photos and letters;)

Family, I have a wonderful family who have all helped to pick me up at various times in my life. They have proved just how gold standard they are this weekend. Also, im bloody lucky there are so many of them. chances are it will be ages before there sick of me crying and wailing over the hero and tell me shut up!!!!!

Education, well it was started. I can clearly read and write!!!! I somehow managed 3 A-levels so there is a foundation stone there at least.

Health, I feel awful yes. I ve not slept a full night for weeks now and I look like a car crash victim as a result. The constant crying means that my red blotchy face matches this appearance and the stress induced sore mouth is failing to leave me!!Luckily the freak October heatwave means im managing to pass this off as sunburn and hide my punched in the face eyes behind sunglasses. Plus, im not actually ill. Im in pretty good shape and thanks to this latest heartbreak im back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 8st 7!!!!!! Its only taken 6 and a half years to lose the baby weight ;)

Friends, My god you know your lucky to have your frinds when your feeling like this!!! everyone has been a star and I wouldn't have survived the weekend without Jane, Claire and Kelly especially.

and most importantly the smalls

I have to get up and wash and do school run and eat dinner. I have no choice with them in the house and they are pulling me through by my hair :) Theres no way mummy can stand in the kitchen and cry cos they would catch me!! So my mummy strength and brave face are slowly becoming the truth and not a mask :)

and now for the plan :)

Move house, first on my list. Im sick of seeing the Heros ghost in every room in my home!!! sneaking up on me and catching in my chest when I least expect it.

start my course, occupying my mind and opening the door to a new life. Im pretty sure I can achieve anything with that list of assets :)

Turns out the only Fish I need are me and my smalls and Im all set to prove that the Hero in this story was me all along.

Dissolving with the Dawn

Ever feel like the Gods are conspiring against you? Fear not, they are not. They are all after me, I promise.

The things you think are simple, turn out to be impossible!!! for example task 1 today was to check my account at the cash machine. I pull up at the co-op I lock my offspring in the car and I 'nip' in. Of course its packed in there!!! everyone has 'nipped' in, in the middle of the school run!!! GRRR

and of course the machine is 'out of order' but they're 'sorry for the inconvenience' I doubt that very much!!!

task 2~ drop the smalls off at school.

so we endure the usual morning mayhem and we've pointlessly popped to the shop. answer me this, how are we 30mins early? ever tried making a 6,5 and 2yr old sit in a stationary car for 30mins? I have, 2 days in a row!!!!!! and im now a nervous wreck for life :(

so the 30mins is up and me and my cacophony blunder our way past the headmaster. row, stamp our feet and end up physically placing the offspring inside the classroom and walking away. (well I say walking, I still have the 2yr old in tow. don't think moving a stroppy 2yr old across a playground and into a car can be described as walking really)

back to task 1 and we find ourselves at the garage. of course the whole of sheppey are in here even thou Tesco is much cheaper!!! oh and joy, they're all using the cash machine. which incidently told me to piss off :(

but that's ok Task 3 is not being able to buy car insurance on my over priced pc for the 3rd day in a row.

onto Task 4~ fit the new TV aerial that the hero has kindly supplied so I am no longer paying BT £50 a month for nothing. So I work out how to fit the ends on the cable. hoorah I am a technical genius it seems!!! I have a good ten minuets of "who needs men,  I am super woman, master of my own destiny and totally independent" whilst im pining the wire along the skirting board with random household objects.

until I finally get downstairs and discover its not long enough.

Its fine, I am super woman remember. we will just start again and run it off a different aerial. I take a deep breath and work out I have approximately 15mins before peppa pig finishes and mummy duties commence. I rip up the cable Ive ruined a perfectly good pair of shoes laying and I re-lay it.

Hoorah it fits!!!!!

Bugger, its still not working.

I enter a pit of despair. I am NOT super woman. I DO need a man and im totally incapable. But all of this will have to wait while I eat toast, walk the dog and endure another school run. A school run that includes pulling over halfway home to console a 6yr old that no-one wanted to play with today. Finally we wipe away tears and he gets off my lap and back into his car seat so we can go home and eat sausages.

I ache, I really ache. But I've put my day to bed and im still here, just as I was this morning when it all began. How do you explain to a 6yr old that no matter how bad today was tomorrow will come anyway and the irritations of today will dissolve with the dawn?

Rules of Engagement

Well what can I say!!!! Its been an emotional roller coaster of a school summer holiday this year!!!

I waved goodbye to the smalls at the beginning of the break and spent the next two weeks moping and feeling miserable. I know, totally ridiculous!!!! while all other mums are getting stressed, skint and suicidal at the thought of another 6 weeks without school!!!!. Im sobbing coz I want my babies and i've lost all purpose in my mundane life. It came as a total shock to me. I had all these things planned while the kids were with Daddy in Malta

1) re decorate the hallway
(well do the second coat on the hallway, after all the first coat has been dry for some months now!!)

2) go shopping.

(use escalators and shop changing rooms!!!! return unwanted goods without having to shout over the screams of a small child!!)

3) stroll along the seafront leisurely
(without the smallest small, proving he can in fact do a back flip out of the buggy restraints!!!)

did I achieve anything on my list? ......................No, I did not. As unfortunately, lay in bed sadly and consume as many Muller corners as is humanely possible in 2 weeks, Was not on the list.


Luckily as usual the Naval Hero came to my rescue before I reached super size proportions and required air lifting from my double bed. He whisked me off on a dream holiday to the Caribbean!!!!!!!

(this is not a joke!!!! this is actually real life......................MY REAL LIFE!!!!)

So anyway what is a girl to do when her Hero transports her halfway across the globe to a dream destination. A romantic holiday for 2!!!!!!

Yes I ate as much as I could stomach without feeling ill. I drank as much as I could stomach without feeling ill. I bronzed myself lazily on the white sandy beach and I cuddled my hero in the crystal clear Caribbean sea :)

all of this Impressed him greatly, And halfway through our dream holiday he took me for a special day out!!!!

We sailed out to a deserted Island just off the coast of Cuba and after lunch on the palm strewn beach. We walked along the shoreline till we were totally alone.

I looked out at the turquoise ocean and he held my face and kissed me. Then I felt him begin to sink away from me. So I opened my eyes to find him down on one knee on the sand holding  a box open and asking me to marry him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY HOLY LORD it was like something out of a film. So I feel I had better just re clarify that this blog is indeed non fiction!!!

Now I know that there are very clear rules to this kind of engagement. My Hero likes to do things properly. So having purchased the ring some months previously and asked my Fathers permission, here he was executing the rules with seamless precision.

I however am not used to such high standards. So even though the rules require a soft ladylike "yes". Followed by a gentile Kiss and a loving glance, to be the response to such perfect once in a lifetime moments. What actually happened was somewhat quite different.

My head screamed "YES YES YES!!!!" and I knew the Rules. I had like all other females on the planet, been practising the rules of engagement since I was a toddler. In fact I have caught my own 5yr old daughter practising her acceptance on many occasions.

but I got caught up in the moment and squealed  "SHUT UP!!!!!!" before slapping the Hero's very sunburnt shoulders!!!!!....................(oh bugger, I had better try that again!!! from the look on his face its not quite the response he had imagined)

now, remember the rules ladylike "yes" and a soft kiss.

instead I let out the word "really?" and put my hands on my cheeks and look as gormless as I can possibly manage!!!!!

lets try this again, just say the word "yes" for christ sake

no I get another "really?"

Luckily just as im beginning to think he's going to answer with "no not really, your a lunatic!!" The Hero comes to my rescue again and asks "is that a yes then?"

Thankfully all I have to manage is a feeble nod before collapsing on him and attacking him with kisses. Perfect, perfect, perfect and the ring is a stunner!!!!!!! Its just unfortunate that now when anybody asks him what my reply was. He has to answer that i told him to shut up!!!! ooops

what i've learnt

What I've learnt since becoming a single Mummy..........

I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO!!!!!!! YAAAAHOOOOOOO (within reason)

and 'whatever I want to do' include many many things.  I will share some of the exciting things I get upto in my own little house.

I can plumb in washing machines!!!! yes, I kid you not!!! I was just as shocked as you are. But little old me can really plumb in washing machines. I don't just mean the making tea, standing right in the light, making constructive comments like "are you sure that pipe goes there?....." kind of plumbing in washing machines. I mean actually connecting pipes and even turning the mains water off and on!!! kind of plumbing in washing machines.

I can also.............and this really is impressive!!!!!

I can also shuv, kick, swear, scream and hoick washing machines out the back door and into the garden!! Then (just coz my life is a bit like this) I can shuv, kick, swear and scream the washing machine. Back into the kitchen, through the dinning room, up the hallway and out the front door!!!!!

During this exciting adventure of single parenthood. I have also discovered that I don't need to book the council to collect such unwanted items as old washing machines. Because as a single parent I live in the type of high class area where even your broken, beaten and abused rubbish gets stolen, within minuets of being on the main road.

other super powers I've acquired since being a single parent include decorating. And I don't just mean slapping a bit of magnolia on. No No i can decorate using a variety of implements. Such as washing up sponges, children's craft equipment and even cutlery!!!

I can move furniture upstairs, then bring it down again, then up again.

I can do gardening!!!!! again with the cutlery that has so many uses.

I can make a weeks worth of groceries last well over a fortnight!!! As I've come to realise that when the yoghurts run out this does NOT mean "there is no food in the house!!!!" as previously suspected.

I have even been known to put oil, water and air in my car!!!!!!! (although I do not feel this new skill has been completely mastered just yet)

and today's lesson..........

I can actually talk to mechanics!!!! real ones in car garages!!!! who'd have guessed they are in fact just men in overalls and not an invading species of alien I feared them to be!!! (may wait to confirm this last statement until after I've picked the car up from its MOT!!!)

And lastly I've learnt that I can say "f'##k you" to the loneliness and that Im OK being on my own with my Babies. And my babies are OK being on there own with there mummy :)

why do kids do that!!!!

Parenting truly is a journey without an end, a learning curve without any exam results. From the moment your pee on the little plastic stick turns pink (or blue if you've splashed out on a brand name test, instead of 30 for £1 off ebay!!) this magical journey begins. A journey where you can feel scared but happy at the same time. where you will be both right about everything and also completely wrong about everything. Where you can be totally stressed and exhausted one minute. Then dancing round the room to cbeebies, whilst doing over exaggerated facial expressions the next!!!!

Kids do that to you. And worst of all it becomes so normal, you find it acceptable to not only do it all around your own children. But other peoples children too!!!

pregnancy really does go some way in preparing you for the strange being about to enter and 'modify' your world as you know it. It deprives you of all your usual comforts. Sleeping on your stomach, owning clothes that fit and are not held together with string, while a dress masquerading as a top tries to conceal the homemade contraption. shoes that not only fit but you can get on without the aid of the stairs. Being able to turn the steering wheel without having to do the special k jeans manoeuvre. It prepares you so well that by the time you've finally had the baby. You don't have an 'old life' to miss.

kids do that to you too. for example Friday evening pre-offspring.  I would be thinking about finishing work as quickly as I can, and getting down town in the new outfit that's been waiting for me all day. Friday evening post-offspring. Im usually thinking about finishing the bedtime routine as quickly as I can and getting down stairs to the new pile of washing up that's been waiting for me all day!!! (sad confession.............. I prefer the post-offspring Friday!!!! pregnancy did its job reaaaalllllly well on me!!!)

And when your little one arrives you get to spend years pondering the question 'why do kids do that?'. Why do they turn there head as soon as the tissue makes the slightest contact with there nose, Thus spreading mucus up there entire cheek!!!!!. Why do they insist on only drinking juice that has bits of food floating in the top?. Why do they have to make strapping them in the carseat or buggy into an aerobic workout? (dvd to follow ;) Why do they have to spin round and round when they are on reigns? or lose the use of every muscle in there body when the word 'NO' is uttered, even whispered? and why do they have to lift both there feet off the ground if both hands are in contact with another persons...........even if the other person is the same age as them!!!!!???

these are just some of the great mysteries of the world I now inhabit. Im pretty certain I shall never know the answers..........................But its looks like a pretty fun journey trying to find out :)

Half Term Hell V's Half term Heaven

So the smalls are off school, again!!!!!! and they wonder why the boychild struggles to read!!. Our Hero has been home for an extended visit, the housework has been put on hold and the dog has been allowed to join the family on a few outings. Yes, you've guessed it the magic/madness of half term is upon us.

Don't panic. I wont make you all green with envy as you read of our perfect life, for you know we've had our fair share of half term hell.  Hour long queues just to park the car, the kids going hyper on ice cream and please shut up emergency sweets!!! and oh yes, that is my child crying hysterically the other side of the park!!!!!

so the week started off really well. Our Naval Hero was home for longer than our usual 48hr ration!!! yipeeeeee. The smalls had an impromptu sleepover at nannies, and we seized the opportunity to not only venture out into the adult world but to stay out till the next morning!!!

we ate dinner at a table for TWO!!! and there wasn't a highchair in sight :) we left without having to apologise for the mess and we watched a film without having to miss the best bits while ferrying small children to the loo, or saying things like "look at the big ship!!!"

so here we go.........................

Half term Heaven. You take your children on what you hope will be a fun day out with there friends. There is a park, a sandpit and a pic-nic. BINGO nice free day out :)

Half term Hell. you arrive to discover they've set up 2 bouncy castles, numerous ice-cream and candyfloss stalls and a face painting hut!!!! DAMN times that little lot by 3 and mummy's officially bankrupt :(

Half Term Heaven. you pack the family and dog in the car and drive to a local park. The sun is shining and you imagine sitting quietly on a bench with the Hero while the smalls play in the play area.

Half term Hell. Unfortunately your dog decides that today he doesnt like the general public, or bikes, or balls or other dogs. He spends the entire time tied up going mental like some savage beast, while the beautiful people of the park stare at you and take the long way round.

Half tern Heaven. NO SCHOOL RUN AT 8:30 AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAHOOOOOO

Half term Hell. you forget so your alarm still goes off at stupid o'clock and the Hero goes back to work. Leaving you to deal with all three offspring and the savage dog alone. BOO

half term Heaven. lazy week no one gets dressed till late, no point in doing housework while the little house wreckers are about and...................................... all of us all together, even the sun has joined us for some half term magic. 

The madness continues .......

So I decided I had better exercise the dog. He got unfortunately side tracked, while I escaped my miserable Monday yesterday. And I'm out all day tomorrow doing daughtery stuff with my mum.

The sun was out and I thought a nice peaceful stroll along to a local beauty spot with the baby was on order. Hahahahahahahahahaha

20 mins later and I'm still wrestling him into the halti!!! The stress and fury are over taking my body as a neighbour I don't know very well tries to make small talk!!. The playful pup is trying to escape me and play with the neighbours at the same time. The king of the nappies is merrily tipping orange squash over his lap. And I'm yelling "SIT" when my head is screaming ' GO AWAY!!'

As you can see we all made it to the beauty spot, halti attached. And if you happened to pass us on our sunny trip to the park, wouldn't you think we all looked idyllic. I shall reign victorious :)

The rest of the day followed suit. I don't know why I feel the need to endure the stress that is after school ballet every single Tuesday, but I do.

Maybe its the wanting my child to succeed in ways I haven't been able to. Maybe its the wanting them to experience everything life has to offer. Maybe its even a desire for them to have an active and healthy lifestyle. But probably It's that eternal illogical guilt you aquire seconds after giving birth, mixed up with a bit of being able to show off and do the "my child can......." convesation. That means we end up changing out of school uniform in the car every Tuesday.

But they are doing a professional production in a couple of months that's going to cost me a fortune on tickets and costumes, so it will all be worth it.   

And so we begin..........

Well the Naval Hero has returned himself to the Navy, as we begin a new week. The Small people are all tucked up in their beds as is the doggy. So what is a lonely mummy to do on a lonely Sunday night? Yes you've got it, talk to herself!!! I've always been the kind of girl who waffles on and talks to much. And, truth be told that doesn't stop when people leave the room. My head carries on talking. I have many devices in which to channel this so I avoid being sectioned. I have for many years kept a diary, I have been an occasional blogger in the past and now I've discovered twitter, and begun my new diary, well............

So how has the weekend been? pretty normal for us. If you walked through my front door now, you would think I oozed calmness and serenity. My children are fed and clean, my housework is done and all is quiet. The problem is nobody ever does walk through my door right now. Now that the door hides a clean and calm household. The outside world saves its chance to knock on the door, for when the children are running semi naked with dinner round their mouths. When the dog is trying his best to shred a vital letter from school or bring the waste water pipe from the washing machine in through the back door. When my dinner is burning, my children are in the middle of a dispute and my dog is singing along to the ice cream van. (yes he does do that!!!)

It's called sod's law, and its the law we live by :)

for example, this week alone..........

sod's law, you finally get over a bad reaction to a mosquito bite on your eye. Which has left people wondering if you have been signed up to do the next domestic violence advert, Or if you're considering starting your own face painting business. You look in the mirror and recognise your reflection!!!! YAY!!!. Only for a few hours later to have a cold sore (so big you actually are considering the crash helmet approach from the advert) appear on your face!!!!!

Sod's law, your house is finally clean after having an army of 5 children under the age of six stampede through it all day!!!! when the Hero in our story brings the doggy home with a cut paw. Within minuets what was once a family home, resembles a crime scene from the film seven!!!!

Sod's law you find that other worksheet from school after the small people have not only finished homework and dinner, but gone to bed!!!!

and finally

Sod's law you get that hollow in the pit of your tummy and that choking in your throat.When you realise you can't function without the Hero. You cant possibly get through the week alone. After he has driven away.............Sod's law!!!