Plenty more fish in the sea

So the man who has dominated my life for the past 18mths has left it. Off to be a Hero elsewhere. I cant describe the hurt I feel. Its the middle of the night im sitting in the dark with my pc and 2 sleeping children (nit fee) for comfort. Its not working if your interested.

Im left wondering what I did wrong? and where my life goes from here on?. How do you pick yourself up and stop the hurt?. How can I accept comfort when the only person on this planet that I want comfort from. Is gone.

So there's plenty more fish in the sea you say?

Thats great except the sea is quite bewildering and I don't want more fish. I want my fish.

God this is depressing!!! lets form an action plan!! lets start with what we have and forget about what we have lost.

ASSETS

Age, yes age is def on my side. Theoretically I have a lot of years ahead of me. So there's a big chance that during those years this feeling will fade and be replaced by new feelings. It will end I just need to find the fast forward button :)

Capabilities, Hmmmmm. Well actually this week i laid a bloody brand new floor!!!! that's a pretty big achievement for someone falling apart at the moment!! yes, fuck it im a capable person!! (conveniently forgets the bouts of sobbing in the car followed by moping round the house torturing myself with past photos and letters;)

Family, I have a wonderful family who have all helped to pick me up at various times in my life. They have proved just how gold standard they are this weekend. Also, im bloody lucky there are so many of them. chances are it will be ages before there sick of me crying and wailing over the hero and tell me shut up!!!!!

Education, well it was started. I can clearly read and write!!!! I somehow managed 3 A-levels so there is a foundation stone there at least.

Health, I feel awful yes. I ve not slept a full night for weeks now and I look like a car crash victim as a result. The constant crying means that my red blotchy face matches this appearance and the stress induced sore mouth is failing to leave me!!Luckily the freak October heatwave means im managing to pass this off as sunburn and hide my punched in the face eyes behind sunglasses. Plus, im not actually ill. Im in pretty good shape and thanks to this latest heartbreak im back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 8st 7!!!!!! Its only taken 6 and a half years to lose the baby weight ;)

Friends, My god you know your lucky to have your frinds when your feeling like this!!! everyone has been a star and I wouldn't have survived the weekend without Jane, Claire and Kelly especially.

and most importantly the smalls

I have to get up and wash and do school run and eat dinner. I have no choice with them in the house and they are pulling me through by my hair :) Theres no way mummy can stand in the kitchen and cry cos they would catch me!! So my mummy strength and brave face are slowly becoming the truth and not a mask :)

and now for the plan :)

Move house, first on my list. Im sick of seeing the Heros ghost in every room in my home!!! sneaking up on me and catching in my chest when I least expect it.

start my course, occupying my mind and opening the door to a new life. Im pretty sure I can achieve anything with that list of assets :)

Turns out the only Fish I need are me and my smalls and Im all set to prove that the Hero in this story was me all along.