So i'm sat in my dining room, all on my own. Kids in bed, house trashed and i'm bloody shattered!!!
THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!
we've been up since the crack of dawn. This is usually bad enough.....but when there is absolutely no reason for it!!!!! it makes you want to cry under the duvet. I slink down under the cover and try to drown out the noise of the tv downstairs. Which incidently has to be on at full volume. Once I feel it is safe and late enough to emerge from my haven. I slowly peel the covers down. A naked toddler caked from head to foot in chocolate spread rattles a box of sweets in my face "MUM-EEEE, MUM-EEEE OPEN DIS ONE. MUUUM-EEEEEEE"
URGH.........................................................................
So Im up.........well awake. I make my way to bathroom negotiating the entire contents of the lego box spread across the landing. I feel a huge sense of achievement at having not trodden on a single piece. But then I remember. You only step on lego when it sneaks up on you. so it will be at some point in the next week when even having hoovered I will step unsuspectingly impale myself on lego barefoot!!!!!!
THATS THE JOY OF THE SUMMER HOLIDAYS ;)
The sand in between your toes...........and your sofa cushions, your tiles, the washing machine door and the line of sand that runs down the bathtub once you've emptied it.........I particularly like that bit!!!
The sun on your face..............and your car making it 100degrees when you get in, and your shoulders making the wearing of a seatbelt totally excruciating.
The sea laping at your feet.......especially if you foolishly shaved your legs that morning!!!
The wind in your hair :) and the ice-cream, vomit, caked in sand and nit lotion by the end of the summer!!!!
Oh dont you just love it? and the kids, There little faces, They are so fucking happy they could cry!!!!!! oh, hang on. No, thats the sand in there eye, graze on there knee and the beating a sibling has just dished out!!!!!!
And at the end of the day when you finally collapse you utter those three magic words no parent can escape........ for fuck sake!!!!!!!
Saturday, 28 July 2012
Thursday, 14 June 2012
So today has been a bit like this.....
my alarm went off at 7:15, i snoozed it till 8am!!!!!...........SSSHHHHHHIIITTTTT!!!!!!!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE AT HALF PAST!!!!!
I run downstairs in my dressing gown and begin throwing cereal into bowls whilst yelling "GET YOUR UNIFORM ON!!!" and "WHY IS THE TV ON!!!" AND "QUICK, WE ARE LATE!! WE HAVE TO LEAVE IN 10MINS!!!!!"
The kids start eating.......far.......too......slowly........
im trying to wiggle into flip flops wipe henry's mouth and do pollys hair while she's still eating.......its not going well........
COATS ON ITS HALF PAST!!!!!! COME ON!!!!!!
no!!!!!! why has henry got undressed!!!!!!!! yes because he hates me, God hates me, the world and its elements are conspiring against me!!!!!!...........AHHHHH DESPAIR!!!!!!!!
I re-dress Henry while trying to push stan out the front door. We make it to the pavement VICTORY!!!!!!.
and the Bin men come down the road..........SSHSHHHHIIIITTTT!!!!!!!!
So im chasing the bin men, praying the bottom of my too full sack doesn't split while Henry decides he cant possibly hold a hand today and walk to school without screaming, sobbing and having to be dragged there.
We finally make it to school and home.....ahhh I can calm down now as i start to put washing on the line and re-load the machine. But, Wait, my brief moment of harmony is interrupted by a shrieking in agony Henry!!
He is weeing, and its clearly excruciating. So i call the Drs surgery and a small miracle happens.
"bring him down in an hour, and Dr will see him" says the nice receptionist. Im not making this up!!!! Yes, that actually happened in Medway at 10am!!!!!
I now have an hr to get Henry to pee again!!! I ply him with drinks and strip him from the waist down. I then proceed to use my most favoured parenting tactic of bribery......."Henry, if you wee in this Tupperware pot for mummy. I will give you some special sweeties and a drink of cola"...........yeah, yeah,yeah judge me all you want. The chances of him succeeding are pretty much nil!!
I spend 30mins following my naked toddler with a small plastic pot when yes, you've guessed it. He poo's on my floor!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhh no time to stress thou, wee always follows poo!!! right?
WRONG!!!!!!
we have 15 mins of him sat on a potty with his willy in a pot whilst im singing every nursery rhyme known to man........even a made up one about pissing in a pot!!!!!!!!
I give up.........lets get a nappy on and go to the Dr.
and, yes, you've guessed it.........he pee's on the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im now a grown woman on the verge of tears, scooping urine into Tupperware pot with a teaspoon!!!!!!!!
The rest of the day followed exactly the same course. I forgot to re-stock the nursery bag. So Henry came home in 'big boy pants' and pissed all over the car!!!!!!!
I went out and cut the grass.......so Henry ate 6 yoghurt's and 2 bananas, leaving the mush and peel all over my lounge.
I cooked dinner without putting TV on........So polly got every piece of craft equipment we own out in the dining room.
and I thought I would be nice and let them watch a DVD in bed (also due to the above could not be arsed with a bedtime story!!!!).........so after the film Polly has an hour long tantrum about getting in her bed.
today is definitely done!!!! lets see what fun we can have tomorrow!
my alarm went off at 7:15, i snoozed it till 8am!!!!!...........SSSHHHHHHIIITTTTT!!!!!!!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE AT HALF PAST!!!!!
I run downstairs in my dressing gown and begin throwing cereal into bowls whilst yelling "GET YOUR UNIFORM ON!!!" and "WHY IS THE TV ON!!!" AND "QUICK, WE ARE LATE!! WE HAVE TO LEAVE IN 10MINS!!!!!"
The kids start eating.......far.......too......slowly........
im trying to wiggle into flip flops wipe henry's mouth and do pollys hair while she's still eating.......its not going well........
COATS ON ITS HALF PAST!!!!!! COME ON!!!!!!
no!!!!!! why has henry got undressed!!!!!!!! yes because he hates me, God hates me, the world and its elements are conspiring against me!!!!!!...........AHHHHH DESPAIR!!!!!!!!
I re-dress Henry while trying to push stan out the front door. We make it to the pavement VICTORY!!!!!!.
and the Bin men come down the road..........SSHSHHHHIIIITTTT!!!!!!!!
So im chasing the bin men, praying the bottom of my too full sack doesn't split while Henry decides he cant possibly hold a hand today and walk to school without screaming, sobbing and having to be dragged there.
We finally make it to school and home.....ahhh I can calm down now as i start to put washing on the line and re-load the machine. But, Wait, my brief moment of harmony is interrupted by a shrieking in agony Henry!!
He is weeing, and its clearly excruciating. So i call the Drs surgery and a small miracle happens.
"bring him down in an hour, and Dr will see him" says the nice receptionist. Im not making this up!!!! Yes, that actually happened in Medway at 10am!!!!!
I now have an hr to get Henry to pee again!!! I ply him with drinks and strip him from the waist down. I then proceed to use my most favoured parenting tactic of bribery......."Henry, if you wee in this Tupperware pot for mummy. I will give you some special sweeties and a drink of cola"...........yeah, yeah,yeah judge me all you want. The chances of him succeeding are pretty much nil!!
I spend 30mins following my naked toddler with a small plastic pot when yes, you've guessed it. He poo's on my floor!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhh no time to stress thou, wee always follows poo!!! right?
WRONG!!!!!!
we have 15 mins of him sat on a potty with his willy in a pot whilst im singing every nursery rhyme known to man........even a made up one about pissing in a pot!!!!!!!!
I give up.........lets get a nappy on and go to the Dr.
and, yes, you've guessed it.........he pee's on the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im now a grown woman on the verge of tears, scooping urine into Tupperware pot with a teaspoon!!!!!!!!
The rest of the day followed exactly the same course. I forgot to re-stock the nursery bag. So Henry came home in 'big boy pants' and pissed all over the car!!!!!!!
I went out and cut the grass.......so Henry ate 6 yoghurt's and 2 bananas, leaving the mush and peel all over my lounge.
I cooked dinner without putting TV on........So polly got every piece of craft equipment we own out in the dining room.
and I thought I would be nice and let them watch a DVD in bed (also due to the above could not be arsed with a bedtime story!!!!).........so after the film Polly has an hour long tantrum about getting in her bed.
today is definitely done!!!! lets see what fun we can have tomorrow!
Sunday, 10 June 2012
Home from Home
so do we actually ever really grow up and leave home?
I've been to visit my mum this weekend, and it got me pondering the above question. I am a 28yr old divorcee, mother of three. (there that sounds very grown up!! doesn't it) I have been a Motorist for the past decade!!! (Christ that does sound grown up!!) I left school and got my first full-time job TEN YEARS AGO!!!!!!!! I have lived abroad and travelled to 3 different continents.
To look at me you would think (I hope) responsible adult.
Then I walk into my mothers house and I am transformed to a whiney 15yr old..............
let me explain. Here is my usual 'hi mum i'm home' routine.
I let myself in (something I don't do anywhere else but the home I live in full-time with my children)
we all dump our shoes and coats on the floor in the hallway and go up.
I check the fridge..... I have no idea why, i'm not hungry, I just like to look and at this point I may say something like......"why are there no yougarts!!!! URGH!!!" (would I do this in any other house where I am not the bill payer? no, of course I wouldn't)
I then go through and say Hi to my mum (or just slump in a chair and look in her general direction) the kids have already trashed her lounge and got an army of toys strewn over the floor and cartoons on the tv.
It was at this point this weekend, I announced (not asked) that I was going up for a shower as mine has broken and I didn't fancy a bath last night. I leave her with my three little nightmares demanding drinks and crisps and just helping themselves to the fruit bowl. Again, they would not behave this way in anyone else's house.....But its nanny's house so its OK. Its generally accepted they live here too, as do I.
When I come down from my shower, I find them all watching Pirates of the Caribbean. Now I don't know about your house. But, We cant watch a film without some running debate about it going on.
I ask "which one is this?"
"its the first one"
"no its not its the third one"
"no, its the one with black beard in"
everyone else in unison "SHUT UP!!! ITS NOT!!"
"look, its the one with the flying Dutchman in, that's the third one!!"
"NO ITS NOT"
and so on, and on. No one bothers to check the TV guide to find out because then what would we talk through the entire film about?
mum feeds us all, and clears up. I bath the kids and put them in pjs from the stash of clothes my mum keeps at her house for them and then we drive Home. To our real home where I pay the bills!!
I generally pitch up at mums house about twice a week if not more. I never tell her i'm coming really, as it doesn't matter if she's in or not.
Will I ever feel that it is no longer my home? That I actually moved out 9yrs ago and do in fact live elsewhere?
I hope not!!!!!
I've been to visit my mum this weekend, and it got me pondering the above question. I am a 28yr old divorcee, mother of three. (there that sounds very grown up!! doesn't it) I have been a Motorist for the past decade!!! (Christ that does sound grown up!!) I left school and got my first full-time job TEN YEARS AGO!!!!!!!! I have lived abroad and travelled to 3 different continents.
To look at me you would think (I hope) responsible adult.
Then I walk into my mothers house and I am transformed to a whiney 15yr old..............
let me explain. Here is my usual 'hi mum i'm home' routine.
I let myself in (something I don't do anywhere else but the home I live in full-time with my children)
we all dump our shoes and coats on the floor in the hallway and go up.
I check the fridge..... I have no idea why, i'm not hungry, I just like to look and at this point I may say something like......"why are there no yougarts!!!! URGH!!!" (would I do this in any other house where I am not the bill payer? no, of course I wouldn't)
I then go through and say Hi to my mum (or just slump in a chair and look in her general direction) the kids have already trashed her lounge and got an army of toys strewn over the floor and cartoons on the tv.
It was at this point this weekend, I announced (not asked) that I was going up for a shower as mine has broken and I didn't fancy a bath last night. I leave her with my three little nightmares demanding drinks and crisps and just helping themselves to the fruit bowl. Again, they would not behave this way in anyone else's house.....But its nanny's house so its OK. Its generally accepted they live here too, as do I.
When I come down from my shower, I find them all watching Pirates of the Caribbean. Now I don't know about your house. But, We cant watch a film without some running debate about it going on.
I ask "which one is this?"
"its the first one"
"no its not its the third one"
"no, its the one with black beard in"
everyone else in unison "SHUT UP!!! ITS NOT!!"
"look, its the one with the flying Dutchman in, that's the third one!!"
"NO ITS NOT"
and so on, and on. No one bothers to check the TV guide to find out because then what would we talk through the entire film about?
mum feeds us all, and clears up. I bath the kids and put them in pjs from the stash of clothes my mum keeps at her house for them and then we drive Home. To our real home where I pay the bills!!
I generally pitch up at mums house about twice a week if not more. I never tell her i'm coming really, as it doesn't matter if she's in or not.
Will I ever feel that it is no longer my home? That I actually moved out 9yrs ago and do in fact live elsewhere?
I hope not!!!!!
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
The Best of British
I've spent most of my life feeling thoroughly bored to be British.............
In fact I grew up thinking that being British was incredibly depressing..........
The weather is depressing, usually grey and cloudy with only the promise of wet drizzle. Much like the occupants of these less than enchanting Isles.
The landscape is blighted by row after row of Victorian slums. Tiny little hovels with barely any light able to penetrate the tiny windows. A seamless merging of pavement, exterior and concrete yard......
The people.....well, lets face it what are we world famous for? being quietly discontent, whining about the weather, our lack of emotion and the ability to queue!!!!!!!
Christ, even our national anthem is depressing!!!!!! and lets face it a little bit like our country's history.
We start off all guns blazing, singing loudly, PROUD!!!!!!
rather like the start of the last century. Empire and wealth and high standards....
"GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS QUEEN!!!!!"
then we take a deep breath and were getting a bit complacent, a bit bored........
rather like the 1980's and 90's... yeah, yeah its all high tech and darling. Puffed out shoulder pads to show how 'great' we used to be....
"SEND HER VICTORIOUS............."
and then were at the next verse, the new century if you will.....
and nobody quite knows the words......... we've forgotten what it was all about anyway!!!
*we all just mumble something along to the dreary tune that's never ending and hope no one else has noticed!!!*
(p.s bet the Americans know all of there national anthem ;)
And then comes 2012!!!!!!! and its all 'wills and Kate' 'Olympics' and 'jubilee'
The poundshops are full union jack toot and you can buy a patriotic tea towel in any part of the country!!! not just on a day trip to London!!!!!
people are hanging flags out there windows and I'm even having a jubilee party!!!!!
were all getting that great British eccentricity flowing through our veins and I love it!!!!!!! but I cant help wondering 'what the hell has happened!!!' I mean its great an all...... but....well.......
"Its certainly not cricket!!!!"
In fact I grew up thinking that being British was incredibly depressing..........
The weather is depressing, usually grey and cloudy with only the promise of wet drizzle. Much like the occupants of these less than enchanting Isles.
The landscape is blighted by row after row of Victorian slums. Tiny little hovels with barely any light able to penetrate the tiny windows. A seamless merging of pavement, exterior and concrete yard......
The people.....well, lets face it what are we world famous for? being quietly discontent, whining about the weather, our lack of emotion and the ability to queue!!!!!!!
Christ, even our national anthem is depressing!!!!!! and lets face it a little bit like our country's history.
We start off all guns blazing, singing loudly, PROUD!!!!!!
rather like the start of the last century. Empire and wealth and high standards....
"GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS QUEEN!!!!!"
then we take a deep breath and were getting a bit complacent, a bit bored........
rather like the 1980's and 90's... yeah, yeah its all high tech and darling. Puffed out shoulder pads to show how 'great' we used to be....
"SEND HER VICTORIOUS............."
and then were at the next verse, the new century if you will.....
and nobody quite knows the words......... we've forgotten what it was all about anyway!!!
*we all just mumble something along to the dreary tune that's never ending and hope no one else has noticed!!!*
(p.s bet the Americans know all of there national anthem ;)
And then comes 2012!!!!!!! and its all 'wills and Kate' 'Olympics' and 'jubilee'
The poundshops are full union jack toot and you can buy a patriotic tea towel in any part of the country!!! not just on a day trip to London!!!!!
people are hanging flags out there windows and I'm even having a jubilee party!!!!!
were all getting that great British eccentricity flowing through our veins and I love it!!!!!!! but I cant help wondering 'what the hell has happened!!!' I mean its great an all...... but....well.......
"Its certainly not cricket!!!!"
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Here we go round the mulberry bush
The Hero visits, then leaves. Then as another week passes into oblivion he's back for another visit again.
The Nits arrive, lay eggs, get nuked by hedrin. Then before we know it they're back again and I'm £11 poorer....
The Smalls get up, get dropped at school, get collected, go to bed, get up......bla,bla,bla
even the week goes round in the same old fashion. Bath night, Girls brigade, Homework, Bath night, homework, Boys brigade.........and on, and on, and on......
Even food!!!!! honest to god!!!! Sunday is chicken (roast in winter/ salad in summer) Monday mince, Tuesday pasta bake, bla,bla,bla
And this is the way we live our life, live our life, live our life....... ON A COLD AND FROSTY MORNING!!!!!!!!!!
Heres something new..........Im getting a new mulberry bush :D
Ive been having not so secret meetings with a not so secret lady. If she cant help me Im going to ditch the car and finance the new bush myself. Either way, this time next year my mulberry bush will be a dim and distant memory and I will have a whole new piece of shrubbery to bitch and blog about :D
Friday, 30 March 2012
Shit days
If your having one of those "why do I bother leaving the bed?!?" Kind of days. Take some comfort from the fact that you are not alone........I have them too......regularly.
Take today for example, after spending all of what was the hottest day of the year so far, stuck in my shit heap of a car with 3 children bursting with energy. Travelling to the other side of the country......just to come back again. I have had to get up early (oh didums, I hear you moan) but did 'I' have to get up early? Am I spending the day with nanny for a sleepover? Am I going to browse new cars after smashing mine up? Am I the one in need of the shopping center even? .......no, no I am not!!
Yet I'm up being slave to every other inhabitant of the house.
Unfortunately "can I have breakfast?" Can not be answered with "do it your fucking self" when asked by a five year old.
And equally "can you help me get dressed/tidy my room/wipe my arse/etc, etc" can not be replied with "piss off!!" No matter how much I feel like saying it (not even just once for some small amusement) apparently its child abuse and bad parenting........
Yet when I ask for someone to help me or do something like, say oh I dont know tidy there toys or bring there empty bowl out or help me in some small way. It's ignored.
Well I say ignored. A better discription would be left until I go fucking spastic and start doing it myself anyway
So were now 2hrs behind. Do I care? No I do not........
Oh yeah and I had to queue for my petrol!!........the fucking cheek of it!! This country, honestly.......
Take today for example, after spending all of what was the hottest day of the year so far, stuck in my shit heap of a car with 3 children bursting with energy. Travelling to the other side of the country......just to come back again. I have had to get up early (oh didums, I hear you moan) but did 'I' have to get up early? Am I spending the day with nanny for a sleepover? Am I going to browse new cars after smashing mine up? Am I the one in need of the shopping center even? .......no, no I am not!!
Yet I'm up being slave to every other inhabitant of the house.
Unfortunately "can I have breakfast?" Can not be answered with "do it your fucking self" when asked by a five year old.
And equally "can you help me get dressed/tidy my room/wipe my arse/etc, etc" can not be replied with "piss off!!" No matter how much I feel like saying it (not even just once for some small amusement) apparently its child abuse and bad parenting........
Yet when I ask for someone to help me or do something like, say oh I dont know tidy there toys or bring there empty bowl out or help me in some small way. It's ignored.
Well I say ignored. A better discription would be left until I go fucking spastic and start doing it myself anyway
So were now 2hrs behind. Do I care? No I do not........
Oh yeah and I had to queue for my petrol!!........the fucking cheek of it!! This country, honestly.......
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
The 7yr Itch
Don't panic, I'm not moving house again...........yet ;) And I'm already divorced, so there's no fear of that either!! No, what the title refers to is the fact that I am now the mother of a 7 year old!!!!!!! I know, UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!! that and we are once again infested with the little critters that like to live in children's hair :(So we've been having lots of fun. We've been de-fleeing each other which has also cleared up some of the cradle cap on Henry's head :)
Each and every morning my offspring queue up for a good old fashioned scalping with the little metal comb. I get great satisfaction from laying the evictee's out on a piece of crystal white kitchen roll. Luckily the sailor is somewhat folically challenged so you would spot any nits a mile off. Still not a nice job and even more disheartening that this latest episode means polly is using up all my hairspray in an attempt to stop others catching her dreaded nits!!!
check out some of our 2012 spring anti-nit hair collection, on the right hand side
So anyway, Getting back to the birthday boy!!!!!! 7!!!!!!!!!! seriously how did that even happen??
Stanley has been so excited it is untrue!! and to quote him, he has "been waiting his whole life to be 7!!"
everything he does is because he is 7 now. He even stopped a lady on the way to school to tell her he has to use an electric toothbrush now he is 7 (no Stan mummy just buys shit presents)
And he is now a responsible pet owner. The proud owner of a 10week old Hamster named Nibbles.
And I am left in disbelief and awe whenever i see the sensitive, clever, caring and capable young boy he has become.(this last line may get edited out depending on how successful the fortnight Easter holidays are).
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